


somebody to die for

by perilousgard



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: F/M, introspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-28
Updated: 2014-04-28
Packaged: 2018-01-21 04:41:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1537967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perilousgard/pseuds/perilousgard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He would never have wished this war to take her." Roy and Riza in the years of the Ishvalan War.</p>
            </blockquote>





	somebody to die for

**Author's Note:**

> right, so royai has kind of taken over my life.

 

There is a strength in Riza Hawkeye that Roy does not know how to name.

It’s more than loyalty, it’s more than a devotion to her country. _Devotion_ may be a somewhat accurate term, but it’s still missing the mark – in a way she never does. Any man can pick up a rifle and kill another if he can blame someone other than himself for the deed. But he knows that Riza pulls the trigger with an understanding that _it’s her own doing, she’s the reason this innocent civilian will no longer draw breath, will no longer laugh or cry or go home to a family._ She understands this with such clarity that it makes Roy feel sick.

He’s seen other men vomit after taking lives. He’s seen their bodies wracked with sobs, has even seen a few of them hold the cold barrel of a gun to their throats before cowardice makes them lower it again. Roy’s done all those things himself and more. But Riza never seems to so much as bats an eye. Her expression remains the same whenever he sees her, which is to say, an expression isn’t there. Her eyes are flat and empty like the desert that surrounds them, her lips in a thin, straight line. She is so far removed from the fourteen year old girl he knew, and yet, she is very much the same.

The people of Ishval whisper his name in fear, but he thinks it’s Riza they should watch out for. Shifting with the shadows, taking down targets from almost incredible distances. Always out of sight. She never needs more than one shot.

He would never have wished this war to take her.

The mask only falls away when she is with him and Hughes, tucked away from the battlefield where it’s safe to act human. She rarely laughs, but he’s always pleased to see her smile when Hughes shows her pictures of the girl waiting for him back home, or reads her letters to them out loud. It’s the smile he tries to burn into his memory when he sees her boots stained with blood and mud.

Later, he realizes with cold horror why she was so unfazed by murder. She thought she _deserved_ it. As he lies with her in the dark, staring at her naked flesh as the scent of burned skin fills the small room, he realizes that she fully intended to have him bury her with the secrets she kept carved into her skin. She beats at him weakly with her fists, begging him to burn the rest of the tattoo, but Roy can’t even feel her touch. His entire body has gone numb.

He doesn’t allow her to die. From then on, he begins to order her not to, under any circumstance. And he knows Riza Hawkeye would never disobey a direct order. If he has to live with his sins, then so does she. If it makes him a greedy man to think this way, Roy doesn’t care.

Atonement never comes. Each time he thinks they’re close, the world seems fit to remind them that they are still monsters. But after awhile, he realizes that he doesn’t mind striving for it for the rest of his life, so long as she is with him. He knows without asking that the feeling is mutual.

Many years later, when the death of the Homunculi are starting to become more distant memory than recent event, and he can finally ask her to walk beside him, rather than follow him, Roy finally understands what the strength in her was that he could not name. It’s a wonder that it took him so many years to get it.

 


End file.
